I want to start by saying, I don't mean for this to potentially sound proud or prideful in anyway, I ask the Lord lets me deliver what he wants me to deliver in the way he wants. (I will probably end up looking back at this and realising I have spoken too soon).

February so far has been a crazy weird month.

Early in the month my relationship, which I thought honestly would last, didn't. It came to an abrupt end, going from intensive to nothing in less than 2 days.
I could probably write a book on it but I won't and instead on here I will keep it short.

To put it simply, I was devastated. The one person whom I had allow to see the real me, and to get to know me, and the person whom I gave all my waking energy to, had gone.

The relationship began with her being a very new christian (she started coming to church again because I was there) And I said I wanted to wait till she was right with God and with herself. (Become more independent and have the faith for herself).
I pleaded with God to make it right so we could be together, I had already handed over my heart. So there we were, together.

My energy taken up with I guess at times 'forcing my view' (biblical and out of love) but probably not always in the best way. I tried to 'personally' refine her myself, which is never going to work and will always backfire. We would pray and read, but blew hot and cold. I guess my relationship with God was now 'breached'?..

I had also said at the beginning of the relationship that a Christian Ministry I was starting was to not be hampered during our time together, as I knew through prayer that God wanted me to do that. And as I got more emotionally and mentally involved, my desire for that petered out. I turned down mission trips because I guess of a fear of 'if i'm away what will she be doing.' How stupid of me!.. It goes to show how unready I am for a relationship!!

But anyway I always brought the relationship before the Lord and asked for clear signs, to carry on and to also stop. I had signs that it was right, until 4 weeks before we were to split. Church had been about 'giving up everything for God'. I said, yeah for sure God you can have my macbook, blackberry etc. But I was blocking out the girlfriend in my head, I would not let go! Ironically the blackberry did break, and the macbook crashed but still I did not want to let go of my girlfriend. Similar talks came over the next 3 weeks, some about going on mission etc. And I would always be fired up after listening.

To cut all the other bits, It got weird on a thursday and ended on the friday. I had been stubborn, I was not giving her up, but amazingly ;), she had also been challenged about the relationship and couldn't shift it from her mind and knew what had to happen despite battling against it.

I cannot explain the feeling from going from all to nothing, but I guess lots of you know the emotion and feeling. Well yeah it's a killer. However in the midst of the pain there was joy. During our conversation she believed she was holding me back spiritually and that she had personally come to a place in her life where she felt independent and that she wanted to go alone with God. The 2 things that I said at the beginning of the relationship I wanted, had come. It made giving her up that bit easier. When I say easier! I mean I was delighted in the mature God 'seeked' decision.

The first thoughts I had before all the doubt and satans niggling. Was Why?
Why God have you taken away the one thing I have given almost everything for? And I remember just laying back and thinking to when we first met and where she was spiritually and up until 1 hour previous where she had so maturely spoken for the best of us both. It was a real kick in the teeth and proudness check, and God was saying if you don't do what I say, I will do it another way.

Now here a couple of weeks on and yeah it's hard, I was always worried about her and wanted to care for her and talk to her and now I can't, I have to let go. But through this, I am filling the gap with more of Him. infact I'm trying to flood myself with him and what he wants for me..

The Christian ministry has again delighted me after a bleak november,december,january and already doors are opening again leading into wide wide corridors and it is so exciting to see what God has planned.

So really in relation to the title of the post, was I a mercenary? was I there to 'bridge' (not really but you know what I mean) her to Jesus and back in to his arms? Was I just there to nudge her back on path. I guess in a few years I can look back and say.

Just have to say though. Listen to him. When he says something do it! And if you don't he will do it anyway haha..
Even if its the hardest thing ever (so you think) I was stubborn and I am far from 'over it'. Seeing her tonight at church will probably give a fresh jab in ribs but so be it. We want the best for each other and who knows what God has planned for the future, and how our paths might cross when the time is right (if the time is right).

Just wanted to leave these two songs that I have listened to almost on repeat :)

Have a boss day.