I don’t intend this to be very deep. I’ll try explaining this as well as possible. What I am about to write is something I have learnt recently, and has the potential (like many other things) to be life changing.
Being at Capernwray, I have learnt more than I realise. One thing, however, stands above anything else I have learnt. Myself. I have been learning about myself.
There are many psychological issues over the last few years that I have tried to get a grip of and I have found that all of them can now be explained. When I look back over the first 20 years of my life, essentially my growing up, I can see that this has shaped me. It seems a very simple thing to understand, and you may be surprised to read it’s taken me this long, but there is more to it than it seems.
I have worked with children of all different ages over the last 3 years or so, and I have had the privilege to watch some of them maturing and growing up. It is plain to see that the environment around them affects the way they change and grow. Looking back, I see can it can be applied to my life. I have also spent a lot of time with many people and heard all sorts of stories from different backgrounds. Each and every person has been shaped into the person they are because of their background and growing up.
It’s great to hear those stories of a comfortable growing up. It’s good to meet people who have not been through pain in life and don’t bear the scars because pain is always incredibly hard and lasting. To me, it’s these stories of pain that speak most about God. I am certain that God is in the heart of the broken. Human beings bring a lot of baggage with them, God understands this. I bring a lot of baggage with me wherever I go. I bring a lot of baggage to God, even today. We are supposed to be new creations, yet pretty much all of us still have scars and burdens to bear. I have been shaped by my past and I am seeing this at Capernwray more than I have ever seen it before. Not to say that I have had a terrible childhood, no way. In fact I would mostly consider my childhood to be painless, just a little confusing. I have been blessed beyond anything I could have asked for. But it was always school that threw me, nothing from home. Home was and will always be heaven on earth for me. No where else am I loved like I am at home. Beautiful food every meal, listening ears, open arms and security, who could want more?
The biggest influence on my life has been my parents. I was shaped mostly by the way they were with me in the first few years of my life. Because their seemingly endless and selfless love, I feel I am able to identify with loving people. However, some people may not have had what I had. My heart cries for them. Many people find it extremely hard to identify with showing and receiving love.
The way we are parented also affects our view on God. For example, a child abused by their biological father would find it very hard to refer to God as their heavenly father. For me, because of my wonderful Dad, I identify with God as a father more than anything else. Because of my many memories of going to my mum when I cry and always being received with open arms, I most often see God as a comforter.
I know things weren’t easy for my mum when she grew up. Praise God that He cares and comforts her. Praise God that she beautifully different to my dad and able to express her love for others in different ways to him. The things she experienced growing up have affected her. Her parents have affected her. She has been programmed differently to my dad because of her upbringing. In turn, my mum’s parents and the people around her were the way they were because of how they were brought up. Good and bad things happened because of their view of reality.
I was talking with a good friend here at Capernwray last night. We spoke about how her dad had left her mum for another woman. At first I was angry. How could someone do that? I asked. But then after looking further back, I found that her dad’s dad was an alcoholic and neglected the whole family. This must have a part to play in why he struggled with marriage. My anger turned to compassion. He must be hurting. He must be scarred greatly. Maybe this is how Jesus looks at people, and I have missed it for so long. How can we ever look at some with negative thinking? They are who they are because of everyone else. It’s not their fault.
I am the way I am because of my childhood programming. You are who you are because of your childhood programming. All of the mess we spend our lives putting right must have started somewhere. I believe the answer to be… Adam. The fall has brought about many messed up views on reality.
Think again about how you have been hurt in the past. Do you feel angry? Resentful? Revengeful?
Think about how this certain person grew up. Think about how they were programmed. It’s possible that they may have experienced a lot of mess. It possible they have been hurt severely and scarred. Turn your feelings into compassion for them.
This might be very hard for some people. You have been hurt and will bear the scars forever. Please don’t think about trying to be as spiritual as you can about it, just be frank. We all bring baggage to God, that is normal, whether you realise it or not. Go to Father and find His heart.
If we were all to run a race to Bury St Edmunds, from the same starting line and stop the race at the same time. We would be able to recognise the best runner easily; the closest to Bury. However, in life we don’t all start for the same place. Some of us start in France, China and Australia. So the test is not how close you are to Bury but rather how far you have come. Some of you, have come a very long way and now is not the time to give up.
I believe God has put this on my heart. He has many things to teach us all. Most of you might see a James that seems really spirit filled, getting involved with everything, having it all together and being a nice guy. But really he feels a million miles away from God too at times. We are all human. Let’s go to Father and find His heart.
After thinking about this lot yesterday and last night, I got up and wrote down this quote:
“Throughout our childhood we are programmed by the messed up world we live in. We spend the rest of our lives trying to put it right”
And literally 2 hours later in a lecture without any foreknowledge, the principle delivers this…
“The most formative years in a child’s life are the first five years, and we spend the next fifty getting over them”
God is trying to teach me something. This is far more than a coincidence. It is not me, it’s Him. Take encouragement from this.
Let’s fight for God’s heart together. Let’s not be divided by stupid little things. Let’s understand that we all have baggage to bring to Father. Go to Father.

JM